I started gaining weight maybe about a year after I met my husband. When I met him, I was at about 15o. Something happened to me (which I'm sure happens to most) when I fell in love. I spent almost every waking hour with James when we were dating. When we spent time together it was usually snuggled in front of the TV with food or going out to eat. We're not by any means "outdoorsy" people. We don't, like most, enjoy breaking a sweat. Unless of course, there's a prize at the end! ;) All in all, we were pretty much home bodies. When I got pregnant with Ryan, I was already overweight. I think I weighed close to 215. Now this would mean in a matter of 5 years I gained 65lbs!
But if I'm going to be honest with myself, (and you) it wasn't just love and the feeling of not wanting to do anything but stare into his eyes all day long and take a break every now and then to take a bite out of my Whopper. It was me. I was punishing myself for all the mistakes I had made before I met James. I felt worthless before I even entered my teen years. I was never good enough. Always trying harder to impress people and always failing. I hated myself. I felt ugly and depressed. I couldn't mentally deal with my depression, so I turned to food. Food is my comfort. Food never calls me fat, tells that I'm not good enough, or that I'm a disappointment. As time went by and I had my 2nd daughter, nothing much changed. My weight fluctuated but I kept the same relationship with my food. My BFF. With 2 small kids, it's hard to keep your life in check. As a woman, I didn't exist anymore. I'm a mom. Everyone else was supposed to come first. My happiness was last on the list. How can I be a good mom, if I were to ever think about myself!? That's unheard of!!! Food was my pity party.
Well, that's a load of bullshit!! I refuse to let my matronly duties define me. I am a woman, first and foremost. Then I am a wife and THEN a mom. I can't be good at any of these if I'm not happy. And you know what would make me happy? To feel comfortable in my own skin. To be able to smile on the inside when I smile from the outside. To have a reason to do my hair or put on a little makeup. And to remind James that the girl he fell in love with still exists and that I never went away. I was just ignored and abandoned. It's time to take MY life back and give myself a chance at a real and true life. The life I'm living right now is a joke without the punchline. The life I want to live, is the punchline that ends with a standing ovation.
you go, girl!
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