Another day down!

I accomplished another night of hard exercise. Well, hard to me anyway. Brisk walk for 1 mile and then came back for my half hour cardio and weight training with my Biggest Loser DVD. I had rested for the past 2 days and I thought I was ok and all healed up. But if you ask my throbbing foot, I was dead wrong.

I'm starting to become very disappointed and frustrated with this. My back pain has eased quite a bit and I can feel a little more energy everyday. But this damn foot!! It just hurts so bad but I don't want to quit. I made the mistake of telling people at work that the reason why I'm limping is because I've been carrying my fat ass on my already bad feet and trying to exercise...hard. Of course, I'm told to take a break. But I know me. If I rest just ONE day too long...I can't get the momentum back. And honestly, if I wouldn't have done it tonight...I'm not sure I would have been able to keep this up.

I guess I can chalk this up to my bad week that I'm going to have now and again. I just wish I could get rid of all the distractions! One more thing I need to add to my priorities, is going to bed on time. Problem is, by the time I give the kids baths, put them to bed and finished exercising, there's dishes to be done, toys to clean up and then maybe sneak in a little relaxation (blogging). Going to bed by 9:00-9:30 is a wish even Aladdin's genie couldn't fulfill.

I'm realizing that trying to change my life and make better choices, means rearranging my routine too. I had a pretty easy one before. Come home, eat, yell at the kids from the couch, baths, bed and then TV till 10. Maybe 11 if I felt like it. Pretty lousy if you ask me. I like my new one, I just wish I was comfortable and used to it already. I'm really trying not to lose my mind before I lose all the pounds!

By the way, my weigh ins are on Wednesday morning. 223lbs. 1 more pound down. Let's not say how many more to go...

I know how you feel!

I'm so happy to report that I've gotten a lot of good feedback on my blog. It makes me feel good knowing that I am allowing people to see that they are not alone in the battle against the bulge. While at Ryan's first football practice tonight, I talked with a couple ladies there that shared the same struggle. We all feel tired and lazy at times. We all try to do our best at eating but at times we mess up. But what we all felt but didn't say, was how sad we were that if we had the support we needed and craved, we may not fall off that boat over and over again.

So I got to thinking. Maybe this blog isn't enough. Maybe I should start my own weight-loss support group in Patterson. (I'm assuming we don't have one) And meet on a certain day/night/time and talk about our struggles. How much have we lost/gained. What/how much we ate. Or even the family issues we have to deal with from day to day that throws us off our motivation train. I truly feel that if women like me and many I talk to, had that foundation to grow from, we would be a lot more successful.

My best friend loaned me a couple of great books; The Daily Fix and Cooking Thin with Chef Kathleen. Both are great reads for those of us who live hectic lives and who have families to care for 24/7. Life isn't as easy as we'd like it to be, so any little tip or short cut is much needed. If you feel so inclined, pick up a copy. Make it part of your exercise routine. Or read a few pages when we take that "long bathroom break" we take every now and then. (I can't believe our men haven't caught on yet ;) )

My point is, no matter how much you feel like giving up, DON'T! There is someone else struggling just like you. You wouldn't just be giving up on a healthy lifestyle, you're giving up on yourself. And YOU are the most important person! Only you can take charge of your life. No one can replace you. Memories are nice, but your presence is invaluable.

Why I'm fat!

Ok...before you yell at me, let me explain why I won't be exercising tonight. I want to get into a morning routine of waking up, walking my mile and then at night doing my Biggest Loser DVD. Plus...I need a little more rest. I'm still very sore! But I need to stay focused so I'm going to explain the reasons why I'm fat and having to go through this very embarrassing and ego crushing experience.

I started gaining weight maybe about a year after I met my husband. When I met him, I was at about 15o. Something happened to me (which I'm sure happens to most) when I fell in love. I spent almost every waking hour with James when we were dating. When we spent time together it was usually snuggled in front of the TV with food or going out to eat. We're not by any means "outdoorsy" people. We don't, like most, enjoy breaking a sweat. Unless of course, there's a prize at the end! ;) All in all, we were pretty much home bodies. When I got pregnant with Ryan, I was already overweight. I think I weighed close to 215. Now this would mean in a matter of 5 years I gained 65lbs!

But if I'm going to be honest with myself, (and you) it wasn't just love and the feeling of not wanting to do anything but stare into his eyes all day long and take a break every now and then to take a bite out of my Whopper. It was me. I was punishing myself for all the mistakes I had made before I met James. I felt worthless before I even entered my teen years. I was never good enough. Always trying harder to impress people and always failing. I hated myself. I felt ugly and depressed. I couldn't mentally deal with my depression, so I turned to food. Food is my comfort. Food never calls me fat, tells that I'm not good enough, or that I'm a disappointment. As time went by and I had my 2nd daughter, nothing much changed. My weight fluctuated but I kept the same relationship with my food. My BFF. With 2 small kids, it's hard to keep your life in check. As a woman, I didn't exist anymore. I'm a mom. Everyone else was supposed to come first. My happiness was last on the list. How can I be a good mom, if I were to ever think about myself!? That's unheard of!!! Food was my pity party.

Well, that's a load of bullshit!! I refuse to let my matronly duties define me. I am a woman, first and foremost. Then I am a wife and THEN a mom. I can't be good at any of these if I'm not happy. And you know what would make me happy? To feel comfortable in my own skin. To be able to smile on the inside when I smile from the outside. To have a reason to do my hair or put on a little makeup. And to remind James that the girl he fell in love with still exists and that I never went away. I was just ignored and abandoned. It's time to take MY life back and give myself a chance at a real and true life. The life I'm living right now is a joke without the punchline. The life I want to live, is the punchline that ends with a standing ovation.

So very sore...

If you read my last post, you know that I did the hardest workout I've done since I started my goal of losing 76lbs. Well, the aftermath is, my muscles are starting a revolution. I feel sore in places I didn't even know existed and I don't think there is even a scientific word for. I am in A LOT of pain, so I felt it would be better to take a break tonight and let my muscles rest. Besides, I can't move. Don't get me wrong, I can shuffle and make it across the living room. I can stand up from sitting if I use one of my children as a balancing pole of sorts. I guess this is where I say that what I'm doing is working.

I knew I most likely wasn't going to be able to workout. So I paid close attention to what I ate. I should add here that when I woke up this morning, my hunger pangs were so strong, I thought my appendix had burst or at the very least I was having labor contractions. My body was craving fuel. The rest of the day, I couldn't calm the hunger. I was eating non-stop. I had my double fiber muffin, a jello pudding and jello gelatin snack, strawberry Fiber One yogurt, turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread and Sun Chips. All of this about every 30 minutes and all before 11:00a. I was still hungry. I drank more water than my bladder could stand and of course, I work on the second floor with a bathroom on the first! Yeah, I complained all day. Just ask my co-workers!

When I came home, the plan was to fix spaghetti or hamburger helper and then at least take a brisk walk. I can be so funny sometimes. I didn't feel like cooking and neither did he. So we had...(shudder)...corn dogs. I only had 2!!! Don't yell at me!! That was at 5:00p and I haven't eaten since. Those hunger pangs are attacking my spine again but I don't want to eat. I'm scared to. I make small mistakes like the corn dogs and then over compensate by not eating at all. I want so badly to feel like I did 10 years ago, that I pull stupid stunts like that. But this is all a learning process for me. I'm not dieting. I'm changing my life. I'm taking it back. I've treated myself like crap and put everyone else first. But if I want to live long enough to enjoy those people I work so hard to please, I have to step it up. It's just sad that I have to remind myself every second of the day, that I'm worth it. Maybe someday, I'll be able to prove it.

I'm losin' it!!

Accountability

It occurred to me after I lazily took the family to McDonalds after a long day, that I'm not holding up my end of the bargain. A bargain I made with myself. A little over a month ago, I decided that I'm a little too close to 30 and little too close to 230lbs. So, I got serious. Bought an elliptical from a friend at work and there begins my journey. Being the only one in the household (which includes the hubby James and my son Ryan, 5 and daughter Jordan, 3) exercising and trying to eat healthy, it didn't get off to that easy of a start. But I pushed through. I stopped drinking soda and starting drinking only Green Tea and water. I tripled my fiber intake and did nothing that Dr. Oz would disapprove of! It went surprisingly well...until about a week ago.

I started dreaming of chocolate bars. Fountain drinks. And my biggest weakness...Burger King. I could feel myself giving up. Went from exercising everyday to every other day. Went to a Porcupine Tree concert that involved standing for 5 hours. For someone who is tickling 230lbs...yeah...not that much fun. I hurt my back. Couldn't walk. So of course, I was in no shape at all to exercise....apparently for the next 3 days. My 4th day, I busted my butt and got back on it. Somewhere between then and now, I stalled. I'm more tired than ever. The fiber, if you excuse me, isn't working!

So at work today, I started off alright. Had my double fiber english muffin. Picked up some coffee (which I just learned is good in moderation) and went into work. For my intended lunch, I brought with me a Healthy Choice Mixer: Sesame Teriyaki Chicken. If you plan on eating this in the future, do it somewhere where no one else is around and when you are in a masochistic mood. This stuff was horrible. Smelled like there was a gas leak in a pineapple field. And the taste wasn't much better. A co-worker called me and asked me to go to our once favorite eatery. A Chinese restaurant of course. Ate it (the food not the building) and quickly felt like crap. A mixture of nausea and guilt. I drove home with a hint of the dry heaves. Then, I get home. (thunder clap) Neither James or I feel like cooking. He's been up since 5a and I have something about to come up. So of course, the logical resolution...McDonalds. This place's food not only makes me feel lethargic but when already nauseas, it makes you feel like slipping into a coma.

I feel more guilt now than ever. I throw myself on the bed and wonder if I'm ever going to be able to get my motivation back. James comes upstairs and asks me what I'm doing; acknowledging the fact that I'm not sweating from a workout. I tell him I just don't feel good. He shrugs his shoulders and walks out the room. At that moment, I thought, "Geez, what a fat ass. You're almost 27 years old and a little tummy ache is gonna sideline you? How pathetic". So I got my "fat ass" up, put on my workout gear and speed walked a good mile around the neighborhood. When I got home, I felt like throwing up. But I puffed up my chest and popped in my Biggest Loser workout DVD. 5 minute warm-up, 20 minute cardio and a 5 minute cool down. I haven't sweat so much since my best friend's wedding outside in 115-degree heat! But the point is, I did it.

But I didn't really have anyone to share it with. And the only person I had to be accountable to, was myself. Seeing as how I'm in this situation, I can't trust myself to keep it up. So, here I am. Blogging. I figure, If I post my successes and my failures for all (my) world to see, I've got to keep it up! There is nothing I hate more than for someone to be disappointed in me. This should do the trick!! This may be a long first post, but in order for me to move forward, you need the back story. So join me, please, in my journey to lose...wait for it...76lbs!! For those who know me well, you know the significance of this number. :) So far, I am down 6lbs from 1 month ago. So I figure by my 28th (another significant number) birthday, I will be at or close to my goal weight of 152lbs. I'm hoping this blog will help me be accountable to myself and keep myself in check. I need to stay focused and on target. In the meantime, I'll be "losin' it"!